After, seemingly a season of hype, we can finally kick off our shoes, put our feet up and watch the much anticipated rubber match of the Jets-Patriots playoff match up. People have been going with the Star Wars metaphor for this game so I'll be unoriginal and follow in suit.
You have to give the Jets credit. They may not know when to shut up but at least they're not playing scared. They got buried by the Patriots only a few weeks ago but Gang Green has been resilient and have earned themselves another match up with the "evil empire." Darth Belichick has been surprisingly quiet and boring throughout this whole process, breathing useless answers out of his dark sweatshirt mask. I guess you could say Brady and Belichek are one in the same so for the purposes of this game he can be Anakin. I'll take Gisele over Natalie Portman but in the end, Anakin & Brady are both losers. Still, every time Tomakin wields his light saber he seems to destroy everything in his path.
On the other side... The Jets have clearly taken on the identity of the pesky rebel alliance. Rex Ryan fits the body type of Jaba the Hut but as the New York Post hilariously concluded, Rex is clearly Han Solo. He is brash, bold, outlandish and full of swagger and he is at the wheel of the Falcon. He drives the Jets bird. He has been shooting laser beams at the evil empire from the moment they wiped their ass with his team in week 13. At the end of A New Hope, Han Solo returned just in time to save Luke Skywalker and his super-cool fighter pilot friends and save the day. Perhaps Rex Ryan can muster up the will inside his players to walk into the Death Star in Foxboro and tear the stadium down. Like the rebels victory, it would be a stunning upset.
So if Rex Ryan is Han Solo in a fat suit, I guess that would leave Mark Sanchez to play the role of Luke Skywalker? Lets draw the parallels. Mark Sanchez is at best a decent quarterback, who has been blessed with poise and some timely throws at the end of close games. Mark Hamill (who portrayed Luke Skywalker in Star Wars) is a below average actor who has since disappeared into acting galaxies unknown to man. (I believe his last film appearance was "Cock Knocker" in Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back) I expect Sanchez to pull off some Jedi-like throws and keep the Jets within striking distance for a good part of the game. Sometime in the 3rd or 4th quarter we will all see that the force is not with him when he finds out that Cheech Marin is his father.
So how will this game break down? Well Tomakin will have his deflector shield up in the form of his big offensive line. The Jets pass rush is woeful and that will leave Tomakin ample time to pick and choose which of his interchangeable storm troopers to throw the ball to. Brady will also rely on his little R2 D2 running back to shuffle around the Jets defense. I wouldn't be surprised if Woodhead gets well over 100 yards combined on the ground and through the air.
Even if Darrelle Revis turns his island into Tattooine and locks up, say Wes Welker, like Princess Leia was locked up to Jabba, the Jets still have to account for Darth Sith (Hernandez) and Count Dooku (Gronkowski) lumbering over the middle. (What do you think Rexy would do to Princess Leia's feet?) Also, don't think that Tomakin will forget those who have crossed him. Namely, Antonio Cromartie. I think his coast his going to be under siege this weekend. All this talking has probably awakened an already dominant monster in Tomakin. He will most likely punish Cromartie by throwing a reception for every illegitimate kid Cromartie has, to whomever he is guarding.
I'm getting tired of trying to remember Star Wars characters. (I guess Nick Mangold or his sister could pass for Chewbacca) so lets just wrap this up. I see the Jets running the ball efficiently and creating some big plays in the first half. I see the Patriots creating even more offensive opportunities and staying 2 steps ahead of the Jets for most of the game. I see Jason Taylor (Jar Jar Binks) making maybe 1 tackle. In the end, I see the rebel alliance failing at its mission and we will see Rex Ryan after the game turn from Han Solo into Jabba the Hut, with the sense of humor of C3-PO. Han Solo will be frozen into carbonite until further notice. In a few weeks we will see the Evil Emperor Bob Kraft come out from his suite and raise up the Lombardi Trophy. Then we will all puke.
Final Score- Patriots 35- Jets 21
Oh yeah, Obi Wan Kanobi.
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